SO YOU WANT A PAYRISE?
David Williams
FX OFFICE
ATMOS
FRANK You
busy, boss?
BOSS Frank,
come in, you know my door’s always
open.
Don’t stand on ceremony – perch
nervously
on the edge of the chair.
This
is about your pay-rise request, yes?
FRANK Well,
I’ve been here nearly three years now,
and
I’ve never had...
BOSS Three
years. Time flies, eh? How many days
in
a year, Frank?
FRANK Eh?
Oh, er... 365. (EAGER BEAVER) 366 in
a
leap year.
BOSS Good.
Very, very good. That’s what I like
about
you, Frank, you’re quick. And how
many
hours in a day?
FRANK (ENCOURAGED
BY PRAISE) That’s easy.
24.
BOSS Of
which you work?
FRANK Oh,
er, nine to five. (BRIGHTLY) That’s eight
hours,
boss.
BOSS Which
is precisely one third of a day. So, over
the
year. Come on, Rain Man, what’s one
third
of 366 days?
FRANK Mmm,
that would be 122 days, boss.
BOSS I
said you were quick. Remind me, Frank, do
you
work weekends at all?
FRANK No,
no. I’m staff side. We don’t...
BOSS So,
no Saturdays, no Sundays. Let’s see. 52
weeks
in the year... By my reckoning that’s
104
days, which we take off your...?
FRANK 122.
BOSS Which
leaves...?
FRANK (BEMUSED)
Oh, er, 18.
BOSS Very
good. Now, Frank, holidays!
FRANK (INTERESTED)
Yes, that’s another thing I
was
going to ask about...
BOSS Of
course, Frank, no subject barred. So
what’s
your entitlement at the moment?
FRANK Just
14 days, boss. I think you’ll agree...
BOSS Don’t
interrupt while I’m doing the sums. 18
minus
14, that’s...
FRANK (HELPFUL)
Four.
BOSS Just
got there before you, Frank. Wow, you
young
guys keep me on my mettle. That’s
what
I love about this business. Now, where
had
we got to?
FRANK Er...
four?
BOSS Oh,
yes, four days. But of course the office is
closed
Christmas Day.
FRANK And
New Year’s Day.
BOSS Which
leaves two days. Do you work Good
Friday,
Frank?
FRANK (BELATEDLY
REALISING WHERE THIS IS
GOING)
Ermmm, no. (BEAT) No.
BOSS Easter
Monday?
FRANK (DEFEATED)
No, boss.
BOSS Well,
Frank. You know me, always ready to
be
persuaded by the facts. And in this case I
have
to say your pay claim doesn’t stand up
to
scrutiny. In the circumstances I think we’ve
been
more than generous. According to the
figures
you and I have just kicked around you
haven’t
worked for this firm one single day.
(BEAT)
Are you OK, Frank? You’ve suddenly
turned
a little pale.
FRANK I do
feel a bit sick all of a sudden.
BOSS (SYMPATHETIC)
Ah Frank, mate, we can’t
have
you working if you’re not well. Please,
with
my blessing, take the rest of the day off.
FRANK (WEAKLY)
Thank you, boss. That’s very kind
of
you.
BOSS Not
at all – you know my mantra; this
company’s
greatest asset is its workforce,
and
it has to be looked after. What time is it
now?
2 o’ clock. You get along home to bed,
I’ll
let Accounts know they’ll need to dock
three
hours off your salary this month.
END
