Would-be authors - 25 sentences NOT to include in your query letter
- ‘Dear Sir and/or Madam’
- ‘What’s that smell coming off the ms you’re holding?
- that’s the smell of serious money.’
- ‘Friends who I have shown my book to all say things
like: ‘the best story I ever read’, ‘definite best seller’, ‘it’ll make a
great movie’ etc.’
- ‘Move over, Harry Potter.’
- ‘You’re gonna love it.’
- ‘This book is bound to fly off the shelves.’
- ‘This book will change the face of publishing
forever.’
- ‘I didn’t see any other fantasy books on your list,
so this is a great opportunity for you to publish in a popular genre.’
- ‘Your listing said no short stories, but you’ll find
my short stories are very
different.’
- ‘I have not included a synopsis as that would spoil
the surprise at the end of the story.’
- ‘The story speaks for itself.’
- ‘I have not included the first three chapters as things
don’t really get interesting until Chapter 4 - please find enclosed
Chapters 4-10.’
- ‘I know you asked for only three chapters, but my
book is finished and anyway I’m confident you’ll want to read on after the
first three chapters so I’ve enclosed the whole thing.’
- ‘The single spacing and two-sided printing are not
exactly according to your guidelines, but I’m sure you’ll appreciate the
savings in postage.’
- ‘Excuse the handwritten ms - my typewriter is on the
blink.’
- ‘You asked for submissions by post, but these days
people find that email is quicker, cheaper, and gets right to your
computer - please click the attachment above and start reading
straightaway.’
- ‘Don’t take the risk of losing this in the slush
pile - read it today.’
- ‘I’m not sure if it’s any good, but I suppose you’ll
be the judge of that.’
- ‘Please
ignore the spelling mistaks - never my strong point at school.’
- ‘I noticed a few factual errors after I printed it
out - but your proofreader will pick these up easily enough.’
- ‘As you’ll see from my pic enclosed, I have all the
attributes your publicity people need for setting up celebrity interviews
etc.’
- ‘Rather than taking up space here with my cv, here are
the links to my website and Facebook page.’
- ‘More than twenty agents and publishers have
rejected this already - please do not add your name to the list of the
stupid.’
- ‘Please get back to me not later than the 17th - I
have given the same deadline to everyone I’ve sent to so I can assess all
offers and make a decision.’
- ‘Call me, but you’d better make it quick.’
These are hilarious! Now I better go revise my query....
ReplyDeleteMine too!
ReplyDeleteOne of the sentences I included in my list 'Excuse the handwritten ms - my typewriter is on the blink' comes from my experience many years ago working for an arts organisation that was also a publisher in a small way. Every six months or so I would get a package of scrawled 'poems' from an address in Cumbria, and always with a covering note from the woman who sent them with the note 'Excuse the handwritten ms - my typewriter is on the blink', or sometimes with the variation 'my typewriter is still on the blink'. For about four years the woman kept on coming, apparently undaunted by our regular rejections. I wonder if we were the only publisher on her list, or whether she circulated her efforts around others too. Who knows? Perhaps she's still doing it - I am.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is, there are so many writers who have made these mistakes. Fortunately not all of them at the same time. :)
ReplyDeleteThat would make some letter, Stina!
ReplyDeleteWhew, my query passes! Funny stuff.
ReplyDeleteGlad you passed the test, Jen :-))
ReplyDeleteThose are hysterical! It's amazing how delusional people can be.
ReplyDeleteDelusion is my default condition.
ReplyDeleteGreat list! What about submissions on neon pink paper? Or the ones that go "my mother/aunt/third neighbour on the left" loved this...
ReplyDelete#21 is hilarious!
Hmm, I must remember to bin that pink neon paper.
ReplyDeleteAnother one to add: 'I hadn't heard of you till now, but sign me up and soon everyone will know who you are too.'
ReplyDeleteAnd another: 'I note that you are not taking on new authors, but I'm sure you'll make an exception in my case.'
ReplyDeleteHow about this one:
ReplyDeleteWe all know that the standard synopsis and 3 chapters goes straight into the bin, which is why I have submitted my entire historical novel as an illuminated manuscript on imitation parchment paper. Got your attention, didn't it?
Thanks, Justin. The scary thing is I believe that really happens.
ReplyDeleteI know. I based it on some chap who did his MS with flowing script in maroon ink, or something like that. His justification is that he wanted to stand out in the slush pile. He didn't realise that if you can't get the lit agent / publisher's attention in a unique way BEFORE your MS reaches their reader you probably don't stand a chance anyway.
DeleteI submitted my novel to a publisher who had been recommended by a local heavyweight in the Catholic US literary field, dropping his name in my query letter. I also threw caution to the winds and sent the whole MS with the letter. Maybe not smart, but that was after 18 months of doing it by the book and getting nowhere.